There’s something foolish about trying to understand, analyze, and question everything. There are times I find myself super intrigued about the chaos. Millions of intricately and uniquely designed lives flutter in and out, buzzing about, sometimes passing by each other without even meeting eyes.

We are but one tiny grain of sand on an earth covered in thousands of miles of sandy beaches. But the complexity of the human race is so beautiful… and overwhelmingly varied. It’s sort of like every time a new human being is born, a new color is created.

While it is awe-inspiring, I’m slowly realizing that it’s also difficult to not just embrace our unique vulnerabilities, but to know that no matter how uniquely special I am, I’m still ordinary – it’s an ironic contradiction.

No matter how much we think we understand our lives… our universe is so deep and big that there’s always more – there’s always something to learn. So, it’s foolish to think that we only believe what we see or have the formula for when there’s a never ending list of things left to learn, always more variety… additional variables are born on a constant basis.

I’ve spent much of my life believing it was required of me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. It’s a scar on my heart that, after being an open wound for so long, I accepted as responsibility. I clasped onto anyone I loved and all of their burdens. Every now and then the thick flesh that’s scarred over my heart, starts to tear… like an old ache trying to make a come back.

An interesting thing about old pains that have scabbed and scarred… when the pain wants to make a reappearance, every new experience becomes easier to overcome, this gradual numbing effect. Like anything else common… similar to the prejudice every single one of us acquires from life experience. It becomes so common and placed in a box and for some reason we think if we avoid these “prejudices” we will avoid repeating a painful history.

I know I’m intense. Being an intense person can be lonely… my deep thoughts, analysis of life, love for psychology, anthropology, philosophy, and theology… my love for understanding. I can get a variety of assumptions… to the world I’m either too in love with knowledge to love Jesus, or I’m crazy to love knowledge so much and still believe in the supernatural.

But I believe your world is yours, and mine is mine. That belief doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to let people fall when I know it’s going to hurt. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe in laws and rules to keep order. The truth is, I believe there is a grey area to every rule, a commonality to every unique quality, and every story has a different set of variables – unique perspectives, along with, varying possibilities…

It is interesting to me to watch my own growth, my own steady increase of awareness. Every time I think I know what’s going on, my world flips itself to expose something completely new. Life is this ever changing cycle that might feel like a circle but is rather an upward spiral. Forever moving forward, even if you keep yourself at a standstill. The world still moves, turns, creates…

The first time I read the story of the disciples who asked to bury their father and Jesus responded with, “…let the dead bury the dead. ” I thought about how insincere of a response that was. I questioned why they couldn’t mourn their father. But now I get it. Someone’s physical presence in your life has ended, but your universe is still developing. Though our time on earth is short and spontaneous, what you keep of this person’s role in your life stays with you wherever you go.

The memories, things you learned, and feelings will go where you go… so when God asks you to do something and it conflicts with that same open wound, the past, the things you can’t change or control… remember to go forward. Remember that if you’re still alive, there is a reason for it.