I admit it… I have abandonment issues. As much as I know I’m loved right now… there was a point in my life where I’d been tossed around so much, I decided I wasn’t worth love. Some where along the line, I stopped expecting love.

I don’t just mean red roses, kisses, and romance… I mean the kind of love that defines humanity. That… “we know you’re flawed but we’d go out of our way to make you smile or laugh anyway” kind of love… The kind of love that makes lifelong friendships, kinship, family.

My mom decided she couldn’t take care of us when I was 12. My aunt and uncle couldn’t afford us when I was 14. And my dad had to sacrifice his entire comfortable life to finally be a full-time father of two broken and battered teenagers. I had come to this conclusion after years of abuse, neglect, and never feeling worthy enough to be fought for… that it was obvious something was wrong with me.

I have spent most of my life analyzing everything I do, every mistake I made, every time I fell… every inch of my body… every word that came out of my mouth… I avoided crying in front of people. I escaped into the bathroom to cry alone or imagine some fantasy life where everything made sense, everyone was happy, and I was a hero. The bathroom was the only excuse no one asked questions about. My own little hideaway.

We moved so much that I never had a solid, long-term friend. So, I made them up. Cindy was a red-headed angel who was preparing me to be an angel when I grew up. Even as a kid all I ever wanted was to make the world better… to love people. Deep down inside, I always thought life on earth was the worst… and I wanted to leave. I didn’t belong.
But the world needed me. Because no one should ever feel how I feel. I needed to save people. I needed to save the broken while others turned their backs.
I was just a little girl… and I carried the weight of the world on my back.

Unfortunately, after years of trying to help people and love them in their darkness… I found myself so exhausted. I was trampled all over, beaten up mentally and physically, and forgave every single person – except me. I was to blame for everything. Some times it still feels that way.

I could have fought harder, said something better, moved faster… there are a million variations of how much it could have been better. And I sought out every single one. More times than I can count, I’ve held myself back due to fear and in turn gave myself to a person I shouldn’t have trusted to begin with. I have piles of debts just from trusting people who couldn’t be trusted. And instead of being mad at them, I think… “I should have known better…”

Oh and those people who briefly touched my soul and left without making sense? Those were the hardest to overcome. Not knowing what I lacked… not knowing if I did or said something wrong… all these unanswered questions.

I used to wish I knew details. Maybe I was too short, too overweight, laughed too much, complained too much, cried too much… a million things I listed wrong with me – over and over again. Eventually I hated myself.

Jesus… He died for murderers, prostitutes, people addicted to drugs, the lost ones… He wanted to give them hope. Perhaps, they would, “go and sin no more.” Although, we tend to go and sin again, and fall on our faces every day. He hoped we’d realize what was healthy for us. He hoped that we’d love Him and the people He created in His image. And while God is all-knowing, He gave us free-will because He wanted us to choose Him in love…

We’re all a mess. Every single one of us. We’re messy. And as much as we try to paint our faces and depict these “every day is perfect” lives on social media… we’re each very much damaged. Because if we never struggled, we wouldn’t be human. And if we never had to fight for anything, we wouldn’t need God for His strength.

When He died on that cross and came back… He wanted us to know that we can be reborn. We can wake up at any moment and change. We can choose love because He’s made it accessible and open to anyone at any place in life – business men, prostitutes, murderers, liars. He did not come for the righteous. He came to save the sinners.

Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17 NIV

When I meet someone new… I am afraid to think of forever. When I open up to you, it’s one of the most courageous moments of my life. Even when I pour my heart out into this blog, I’m facing my fears. Maybe 5 people will read these, but those people get to see a very exposed and vulnerable side to me.

You should never have to feel what I’ve felt. A loveless life is an exhausting and terrifying life. Maybe you’re closer to your family than I am. Maybe you have a best friend you grew up with. Cherish the love that does exist. And if you need me, let me know. This is why I am surrendering my life to ministry.

Every time I think someone is going to last forever, they leave. That’s what history has proven. We aren’t all supposed to be friends. Sometimes it’s just another puzzle piece that sits far across your universe, rather than close to your edges. We’re unique, let us thrive as unique men and women… rather than forcing relationships that some times just have to end.

Our trust has to move from the people who come and go to the God who never leaves.
I cannot save the world. Jesus already has. Some times you just have to open your mind to Him and try… Maybe you will see what I see.

M