Rescued Hope

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There was a time in my life I'd questioned why I could be good at many things, but none of it was deemed useful. I slaved away, day by day, at a normal job that only used a small percentage of all I was capable of. I'd wanted so badly to be valued, seen, and loved, but I barely loved myself enough to let others in. Being in the background was a safe haven and being invisible was survival. At a certain point, I'd worked myself to a point of exhaustion -- not just from labor, but from life itself. Struggling to understand myself, searching for love in all the wrong places, and continuing to allow life to beat me down, I'd become ready to quit. Life was no longer appealing. Death was inviting. The only God I'd understood for the bulk of my life was a God of judgment and wrath and a world of religions that started wars, division, and hatred. Prior to 2014, I was an atheist who quickly dismissed anyone for believing in God. In my former opinion, God was just a glorified, adult-accepted imaginary friend. How could there be a God who’d let so much evil exist? I faced nearly every form of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. I've been homeless, beaten, molested, and raped. Up until High School, I'd moved every 6-months to a year to an entirely new environment. I'd grown up as the dirty, smelling poor kid who just moved into town. I had grown so accustomed to living life on my own, coping however I saw fit and surviving… I was not looking for God. Instead, I was looking for love from people, substance-induced courage, and adapting whoever I could become to be deemed valuable. In 2014 I was sick, utterly broken, and exhausted from trying so hard to fit into a world I could never fit into. The life I'd built crashed and burned before my eyes and as a last resort effort to save myself from suicide, I moved to Visalia, CA. In what seemed like the thinnest, nearly invisible thread of hope possible, I met God. I was incredibly hesitant to believe in an omniscient, supernatural God. I picked apart the Bible with every question I could, asking why I should believe in silly stories like Noah's Ark and people resurrecting from the dead. By the time I'd read through Matthew, Genesis, Exodus, and the story of King David, only one conclusion came to me... This book is the greatest book I'd ever read. Like much of the world's entertainment, it was fueled with tragedy and triumph. I wasn't as concerned with God's wrath but littered throughout the entire book I saw human imperfection. Time and time again people made mistake after mistake, but in the end, God gave Jesus to atone for every single mistake. God's mercy became this big, beautiful opportunity--a light in a very dark place. Suddenly, all of my mistakes didn't matter. I learned about repentance in that it's not just a quick, "I'm sorry..." and then I continue to make the same mistake without worry. Repentance, being birthed in conviction, became a, "I don't want to be this person anymore..." and it drove me to become what Christians call, "a new creation." But this was just the beginning of my walk, and as it turns out, this cycle of learning, growing, making a mistake, feeling convicted, falling into repentance, and learning again... It's nearly never-ending. Looking back on my childhood, as alone as I believed I was, God was always whispering to me. My life has changed drastically and there’s no going back. I've been a missionary who lived on faith alone, traveled the world, experienced God on many levels, and changed from Atheist to radical for the love of Jesus. Today, I lead an all-girls youth Bible study group: teaching girls the love of God, their identity in God, and how to cope with a broken world. As a worship leader, I encourage spirit-led worship and unashamed love for the Father, fostering and welcoming His Presence for others to encounter Him, and surrendering as a living sacrifice to let Him move and speak through me -- teaching others that we lead by example. God's given me the opportunity to speak, sing, and minister all over the world. I've also had the honor of serving other local ministries/churches by helping to build a brand, websites, and singing wherever I am called to lead in worship. All I desire is that others may see the God I see. Even amid my storms, I am filled with hope. I look back on my life and realize life is truly so much easier, regardless of the trials I come across because I have a God to trust and rely on. He is faithful and has never let me fall too hard that I couldn't get back up. Everything in my life is a testimony and can be used to shed light on just how good of a God He is. Today, not one of my gifts goes unused. Everything I have ever been good at has become something of value to help others. So, I'm doing everything I do because I never thought I could; never believed I was valuable and worthy enough. I'm doing this because He tells me I am His, and as His, I hope to spread His heart wherever He calls me to. Romans 12:1-2 is what I live for, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”