When I moved to Visalia, I left everyone and everything behind me. 5.5 years of a love became broken and time wasted. My closest family member was in turmoil. My dogs, whom I still miss and love deeply to this day, couldn’t be with me. I’d spent 6 months on disability from major health scares and deep depression. I was in shock. It was a terrible time in my life for the people I love to turn on me.

I had spent years bending over backwards to make people happy… Not because they used and abused me, but because I picked up the chains of responsibility and carried it as my own when it was never mine to begin with. I believed I was doing a service. They didn’t ask for me to be this way and I didn’t ask for fairness. I wanted them to just see and perform my silent expectations.

When everything crashed and burned, I felt utterly alone. I was always in control, self-sufficient, determined to survive. I felt like years were wasted, love was a sham, and I would never find happiness. My heart was heavy, my mind overwhelmed, and it seemed as though I’d never get to just enjoy life because I had to keep fighting to survive.

I wanted to die. I didn’t care anymore about what was rational and what was not.

As a result, I left my ex with a mess to clean up… My cousin might have felt abandoned… But if I didn’t leave, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I vividly imagined so many routes I could take to die… I even went through the process of elimination based on what route would be the most efficient and wouldn’t backfire. I wanted death… Badly. I didn’t tell anyone that, but I knew it. So, I picked up and left.

Through that devastating month of chaos… My mom loved me in a big way. I saw my family in a different light. And God showed up. He turned things around in such a way that I wanted to live again.

Fast forward 4 years…. I wouldn’t trade any moment in my past for something better, more cush, lighter hearted… Because I love who I am and who I’m becoming. I’m sorry for the people who had to be there in the mess. I’m sorry to those who felt abandoned or hurt or broken on account of my saving…. But I’m so thankful I’m alive.

We hear a lot about people who commit suicide and how surprised their friends and family were. We hear about the regrets of people who felt responsible or like there’s something that could have been done. We wish people would speak up before they decide to take their lives.

I literally felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because it would spin out of control… And I needed to be in control. If I wanted to die, no one would stop me. When my doctor asked me if I’d go to the ER the next time I felt like committing suicide, I legit responded with, “if I wanted to commit suicide, I wouldn’t tell anyone… Because then they’d stop me.” They held me in that office until I would say I’d go to the ER and I eventually lied and said I would.

It hurt to think these doctors were worried about their liability and not about me, and that just made things worse. But I realized how much I loved my dad, who’d already lost a daughter. I realized that people wouldn’t understand because I’d never explained myself. I realized that I was so worried about everyone else, I never took a chance to see me.

God won’t save everyone. I think He knows who will actually give Him a chance. And although I was so gung-ho against religion and the concept of this big imaginary friend in the sky, somehow He knew how to touch me. Somehow, I had to have everything stripped from me and be so empty of myself that I might actually see Him for who He is.

I don’t blame God for anything. It was my choices, the lies I embraced… I was destructive, sad, angry, and alone.

But GOD.

We have an obligation to ourselves. He is readily available, maybe even silently routing and screaming, for you to see Him. He gave us freewill and we forget what that means. Our choices, our freewill to choose, can be destructive, misguided, and driven by fear and lies. People hurt people. But God, He wants us to be happy…

Ask any parent who has watched their children destroy their lives in addiction or something… They continue to love their children even in the mess. They still see the heart of their child even years into their mess. Unless they too are stuck in something so dark, their hearts desire is to see their children happy, clean, and full of life.

God feels the same about you.

Don’t hide any more. Don’t feel alone when you don’t have to. Don’t choose death… Choose life. Choose joy. Choose love. Choose God. Or at least give Him a chance as your last resort like I did. It’s the best decision I ever made.