I didn’t want to look like I was singing because I thought I was good. I didn’t want to look like I wanted the spotlight. I didn’t want to look like I thought I was better. I didn’t want to look like I was crazy. I didn’t want to look like I am over confident or stepping on toes or getting in the way. I didn’t want people to look at me at all… That’s why any time I get out of a car at night, I’d prefer the light off because otherwise people can see me.

I thought so long and hard about what I would LOOK like, that I didn’t share the gift of singing He gave me. I removed myself from the spotlight and self-sabotaged my every move so that I’d remain humble, reminding myself how I can’t do anything right or well enough. Every time I even considered stepping out courageously, I’d buckle under pressure and people would laugh or mock.

I didn’t believe I was good… I didn’t believe I had talent. I didn’t believe I had value and worth. So, instead of confident I was insecure… Instead of speaking up, I let things fall apart that my experience could have prevented. Instead of communicating how to work amongst others, I stayed out of the way.

Then I got tired… So, I became a different person. I got bitter… Resentful. I became mean, self-righteous, and condescending. I treated people like they were idiots and I was smart. I acted as though the world was against me and I had to defend and protect myself. I let every person who walked all over me teach me that I had to be mean in order to survive… Except I got walked all over because of my own fears, not because the world was against me.

I acknowledged every red flag and told myself, I don’t know everything so perhaps I’m wrong… And then I got hurt. 

When that personality I tried to adopt failed me, I didn’t want to live. It didn’t make sense to want to stay on this Earth that I didn’t feel I belonged on. I figured I hardly even knew who I was, but if no one loved the people I tried to be, why would they love me in my fragility and weaknesses. 

Here my perspective saw a functioning world of people amongst my confused and scared little-girl self who didn’t even know who she was, and I was alone. I was so empty that I didn’t want to sing… I was possessive and resentful. I fought hard for what little love I had, and even if it was detrimental to my health, at least I had love.

Then I met someone who said they’d die for me… Not just a quick simple death, but a painful betrayal, a torturous death. Someone who would fight in hell for my freedom. That they’d take all my wrongs and forget them so I could change into a better me. I met someone who told me I was worthy. He said he loved my talents and that we could use them to change the world. He said not to fear standing out in the spotlight. He said, the world may hate you, but I will never leave you. He said… Not a single thing I could do would make him stop loving me.

So, today every obstacle is a challenge, not a dead end… Every fear is an opportunity… Every talent is a gift… Every radical decision is pure Faith. I don’t care what I look like anymore, I care what my heart looks like… And today my heart is happy. ❤️🙏