For my name’s sake I defer my anger; for the sake of my praise I restrain it for you, that I may not cut you off. Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.
Isaiah 48:9‭-‬10 ESV

I feel my heart palpitating… I’m sweating, crying, feeling this urge to say things I don’t need to say; wanting to be heard and affirmed. I want to scream and cry like a toddler who didn’t get her way. Yet, somehow I must also assure the world that I’m okay… Because, as many know, I’m always, at the very least, okay.

I don’t want to be here for long… In this moment of temporary heartbreak. I know it’s temporary and I see what I did wrong; I see that I opened up too fast. I know that there are triggers of memories of abandonment or being bullied and abused. Lately, it’s been in my heart to dig up the roots of my broken past and destroy them one by one. Some will say that I can drop my baggage on Jesus at any moment. He’d take it, and sure it could be that easy… But time isn’t on the agenda.

It’s not that I don’t have that mustard seed sized faith to move my mountains. In fact, I’ll willingly and faithfully walk into danger if He said to. It’s not that I’m not strong or as if He inside of me can’t be strong on my behalf. It isn’t even that I’ve lost my heart and love for God and forgotten Him, the provider, comforter, and deliverer. This is what refining feels like. There is something beautiful to be birthed from all the pain.

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!
Psalm 126:5 ESV

What exactly is refining? What does it mean to be refined? In googling the definition of “to refine”, it says, “remove impurities or unwanted elements from (a substance), typically as part of an industrial process.”

In refining diamonds or metals to be made pure and whole in itself, it takes crushing, burning, and various liquids that eat away at the impurities. These precious materials aren’t found as they are when we see them… They’re often dirty, covered in ugliness.

This process of refining is an uncomfortable one. It isn’t meant to be easy. What makes it easier to bear, however, is the grace of Him who did all He could to make Himself accessible to me. I get reminded that He, Himself felt so anguished he sweat drops of blood. He wasn’t devoid of emotion whatsoever.

Casting my anxieties on Him takes practice. Placing my hope in the Lord and trusting He will make all things right takes remembrance. Being able to not have it my way takes believing His is better. Letting go of grief and uncertainty can feel impossible, but takes a constant reminder of who God is. Yet, still, emotions were not called to cease entirely.

Someone said to me recently, “He has time,” and more and more I feel that is truer than we have been led to believe. Refining isn’t a shut-it-down process… It will hurt, be confusing, sometimes throw us flat on our faces and God welcomes our tears and frustrations. God allows us to have questions and seek answers. He never said to bottle it up. He never suggested you weren’t allowed to feel emotions.

Life throws curve balls and the world wants to destroy our hope, but as God honors freewill and we ruin each other, He also has an army to protect those who yearn for His partnership in life. So, our hope must not be fear of uncertainty backed up by guidelines and statistics… Our hope must remain on one foundation: Jesus.

Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.
1 Peter 5:9 ESV

According to the grace of God given to me, like a skilled master builder I laid a foundation, and someone else is building upon it. Let each one take care how he builds upon it. For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 3:10‭-‬11 ESV

What refining truly requires is perseverance; standing up after every fall. I am my own worst bully. I could beat myself down for allowing myself to feel for someone who didn’t want me or even for choosing the wrong color shirt. I could dwell on these mistakes and avoid people or that color, and consider I may be safe… But I would be wrong.

I have been the kind of person who would say, “if I burn myself on the stove I’m throwing the whole stove away,” and I realize that is a flawed mentality. I cannot keep myself from the struggles of life, but I can learn to endure until the end; I can persevere. I cannot avoid a broken heart or a misled emotion; I can learn from it. I cannot perfect my methods of keeping myself safe, but I can trust Him to help me.

In the end, we will soon find that the only thing that matters is loving God, and unless we break down and give Him the opportunity to show up… Many will have to endure this life broken and unable to cope. My prayer lately is not against illness or despair. Rather, my prayer is that in the midst of illness and despair God will shower you with a peace that surpasses all understanding… Because we tend to chase after what we don’t understand and He deserves to be and is worthy of being chased. 🙏♥️