That gut-wrenching-ugly-crying-sobbing-prayer-time is sometimes my favorite time. It’s painful. It’s ugly. It isn’t truly enjoyable. By the end, I’m exhausted, but I’m also full… Full of hope, life, acceptance, love, and a new perspective. It’s like the birthing pains of yet another new creation.

Many of you who know me, know that my full-time life is loving people. It’s like yes, my career of choice is marketing and design, but for organizations that better the community, ministries that bring love back into lives who’ve lost it, and life back into the dim, dark place we live. My heart has a love in it that seems to never die, no matter how much you’ve hurt me or how much you hate me, I love. I love not because it’s the right thing to do or because I’m forced to, I literally want to.

So, this season has become an interesting opportunity for many. It’s shaken us up and shown us truths we’ve long forgotten: we’re not as in control as we thought and there are priorities we’ve forsaken. We’re told to isolate, shelter-in-place, and learn to use technology fast, before we lose too much. We’ve been told for decades that human interaction, physical and face-to-face interaction, is not only healing but a necessity for our mental, emotional, and physical health. We heal our bodies faster when we’re happy. We’re happier when we’re together.

During the first lock-down introduced to us in March, more people took this situation much more seriously. We isolated ourselves for weeks and many of us drove ourselves mad. Personally, I realized that being alone was not something I could handle well. I’d been so focused on working, pushing through everyday doing 100 tasks, and staying so busy that I wouldn’t be able to stop and think. I’d been ignoring parts of myself that were yearning and aching for healing, wounds that I’d blocked and stuffed down. They were deeply rooted roots and they gave me some insight that I wouldn’t have caught if I wasn’t forced to be home alone for weeks at a time.

I had to face my demons. I had a crisis of faith, asking myself, “what do you truly believe about God?” I had hours upon hours of that gut-wrenching-ugly-crying-sobbing-prayer-time. I surrendered time and time again to the God I’ve been walking with for so long. I’d carried more conversations with friends and family, realizing I’d taken them for granted. I have even found myself so empty that when I go up to sing, I have nothing left but to let God truly take over. Now, here we are, spring and summer nearly over, heading into the fall not too long from now, and I’ve had an epiphany: I’ve grown exponentially.

Who have I been all these years? I’d wondered that all day today. So many individuals have reached out to me recently and shed light on how they see me, and it has blown me away. All the while, I figured no one really knew me or loved me, that I was boring or crazy, and felt forgotten and alone… here they were telling me their side of the story. They knew I was busy, they knew the work I did was important, but they also missed me. They loved me. They wanted time with me. They saw me as an asset, as valuable, not just in their lives, but to the world.

How many times do we truly turn our eyes on ourselves and truly see who we are? I have inspected myself with a fine-tooth-comb, but with the intention of finding dirt. I have hated myself and made myself alone, forced myself into this corner and stopped looking at my own heart. While I could look at you, at nearly anyone, and see the heart, often times a broken person needing love, I looked at myself as though I should know better. I judged myself and bullied myself. I was my own public enemy number one. I was the person I despised to myself, so naturally, I hated myself.

While a friend of mine had reassured me over and over again how much they loved me, as they walked away needing space from my negativity, it made me question… why? Why do they love me? Why do I love everyone else around me, but I can’t love me? Suddenly, it dawned on me, I don’t even know me.

So, I wrote a letter to myself that went like this:

Note to self:

Girl. You have excelled in every area of your life; beyond your own expectations. You seem to forget that. Here are some things you need to know, and I mean, KNOW. You really are amazing and it’s not just something people say. Your love is pure and real and sincere. Though sometimes it is broken, it always has the best intentions. You push yourself beyond the limits, so hard, and although it has made you this incredible and talented woman, you still don’t see yourself as enough. You never see your value. You hang everything on everyone else’s perspective before you take into account who you are in Jesus. But this is the thing. You need to take time to inspect who you are in Jesus, because who you are overall is amazing… and who you are in Jesus is incredible. You love as closely to the love of God as you can and it’s not because you have to, you actually want to. He shines through you. You surrender yourself so well because of your brokenness, and because you know that you can’t do it without Him. You give yourself away wholeheartedly, because you know what the world does to break people and you know that broken people aren’t evil, because you too are a product of this broken world.

But I pray that you never lose your humility, yet also that you gain your confidence in Him. You’re this amazing, unconditionally loving person. You’re persistent and you don’t waver in how you love. When someone needs you, you are there. When someone hates you but needs you, you are there. Love in you is so big that you believe you can do anything with God, so you give everything to access that ‘anything’ to help others. Love in you has such a power to change lives that you find people drawn to you and you don’t even know why. You haven’t given up hope on anyone. You haven’t written anyone off. You haven’t decided that anyone is not worth the effort. You stay open to the possibility that literally anyone might call you, even someone who has hurt you, and need advice, love, or help, and you’d prayerfully walk into the fire for them.

This is Jesus. This part of you, that is Jesus. He chases after us with a persistence that you know very well. His heart yearns for us to love Him back, to just look His way and say we love Him. He yearns for our joy to be a reality. He sacrificed everything to see us be free. Although you yearn for the same thing in everyone else, you NEED to yearn for that in YOU. He died for YOU TOO.

You have to stay strong. You’re a woman with many talents and a heart that never stops. You’re a rare gem in a world that is dark, lonely, and lost. There are few like you on this planet, and you need to stop worrying about conforming to a sense of normalcy for the love you think you need. Do not allow the hurt of others to set you back, hurt you, or get in the way of what God is doing in and around you. I love who you are and I love who you’re becoming. So, please stand tall today, because this is how I see you, and I am you.

As I read this back to myself, I started to cry. It’s like I’m trying to reacquaint myself with myself. I’m trying to be who I am to everyone else, to myself. I needed to see me for me. But isn’t this the beauty of a world being shaken up? As the storm comes roaring in, those of us with God at the forefront of our minds, surrender and say, “what do we do now?” He looks us dead in the face, responding, “oh, you of little faith… let me show you.” The storm starts to calm, although maybe for many it still looks violent, scary, and threatening, for me there is a peace that surpasses all understanding.

There are far more beautiful things being birthed right now, than the havoc that has been created this year. We just have to know where to look, and if you’re looking at God, He might just show up and show off. In fact, I can say today that there actually is another in the fire standing next to me, as I walk fearfully, but with all the trust I can muster, into the fire.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper… not even my own.

How do you see you? What would you write in a letter to yourself? I think if we have the time to get to know ourselves better, we need to take it. Be blessed and know that YOU are LOVED. ❤️🙌🏽