I am thankful. I find myself in awe at my surroundings and this abundance of love, and sort of faced with this bittersweet need to decline on account of I’m too busy. I want to see everyone, love everyone, and watch every move of God I can set my eyes upon. But there’s only so much time in a day, week, or month. Here I am forced into a corner that tells me I have no choice but to lean on Him… Yet I still get a choice, because He’s set before me a buffet… A plethora of choices, a quantity that speaks for itself as: obviously she can’t say yes to everything.

This is what makes my eyes well up with tears… The kind of gratitude that changes my perspective, that shocks me because it’s like the impossible became true. He loves me… This messy girl who doesn’t know how to be an adult most of the time, who wasted so much time looking for something else to replace Him…

I spent years hating the one who loves me to my core… Hating the idea of Him. Not realizing He was the answer. I find it often difficult for me to forgive myself… Treating myself as though I should have known better. Grasping at the idea that I could attain perfection if I just tried hard enough… But when you’re blinded by how the world is dark, it’s so easy to get lost. Survival instincts kick in and it becomes really hard to forget even if you find it easy to justify and forgive… I’d be hurt, blame me, and eventually I’d be numb; used to it.

But there is something about this Love; something that changes in you when you come to truly understand it. This is a Love you can’t escape, sabotage, or destroy. You can HATE Him… And He will STILL LOVE you. The moment I realized He’s there and He’s not going away… I can’t avoid it and I cling to Him. He showers me with gifts of joy and honor. But it’s not like rings and clothes and a car… It’s a note from someone thanking me for HIM… It’s the comment of a coworker that senses peace around me, that finds wisdom in me… But it’s HIM. It’s the smiles, the laughter, the joy everywhere I go… It’s doing the things I love to do, with or without people involved, and using it to change hearts, to change the atmosphere.

But humanly, I still face struggles and trials of many kinds. Humanly, there are times I want to scream because somehow I still want to believe I know anything. I’ve only proven my faults more times than can be counted, but for some reason I think I know what I want. I beg, plead, cry out to God as though I don’t already have all that I need. He stays with me through every moment, patient and kind, loving me through and through. He doesn’t tell me to shut up or smite me. Honestly, it comes down to me exhausting my pleas and finally giving Him a chance to speak. His patience trumps my stubbornness.

In Romans, Paul depicts the difference between being a slave to sin and a slave to righteousness. He finds himself aggravated by how he knows what should not be done, though he still does it. He knows what should be done, yet does not do it. Perfection is highly improbable, and yet God never ceases to give us all that we need; never ceases to love us deeply, more than all of our human love combined. It becomes apparent that in the sacrifice of Jesus more than eternal salvation was gifted to us, adopted sons and daughters. We now have access to His Spirit, and this is what saves the day.

Perhaps my greatest struggle today, the painful, tear-inducing struggle, is knowing the kind of love, joy, and freedom God gives us and watching people I love not see Him. I want to shake them profusely, screaming that there is a God who sees all their junk, all their pain, all the things that make them smile, and loves them to their very core. But the harsh truth of the matter is this: God honors our free will. I must do the same. I must allow the people I love to walk painfully through the refining fire, the same way my Father did for me.

I had to fall time and time again, and every time I fell there God stood with His arms wide open. Every time I tried to work under my own strength and failed, He didn’t condemn me but He comforted me. He taught me how to find the lesson in the trial; showed me how to trust Him, how to have hope in every circumstance, and built up my faith every single time. All I had to do was turn my eyes on Him. All I had to do was praise Him in the midst of the storm, worship Him in Spirit and Truth — which really just means to surrender and trust– and be still in His Presence. God has literally fought my battles, and although I am not perfect still today, I can’t stop turning to Him every time things are good or bad.

If God can take this mess of a girl and turn her into a woman of God, powerful and strong, then I stand here today having hope for everyone’s tomorrow. I believe in forgiveness 1000 times in a row, but I also have to learn God is in control and what he allows I must also allow. Sometimes that is harsh and hard, but every time I have to trust that he will take care of the ones I love. I have to believe that He truly knows what’s best, and I can’t force anyone to see what I see.

Every day… No, every moment… I have an opportunity to be forgiven, changed, renewed and redeemed. I don’t have to be who I was yesterday. I don’t have to be who I was 10 seconds ago. I can make this decision to drop it all and surrender to Him every moment of every day. Perseverance is a necessity, as the world throws arrow after arrow of trial, tribulation, obstacle, and tragedy. I endure until the end because He has never failed me. Every time I walk out of my storm with Him leading the way, I get to visually see the hand and glory of God move. This is why there is so much power in testimony. My perseverance has produced my character, my character produces a hope that never dies, and my hope builds my faith because I have more testimonies of His faithfulness to cling to.

So, today, even when it hurts, I find myself thankful. 🙏🏼❤️🙌🏽