There was a time I’d just met someone… We’d maybe only known each other a couple of days. They’d looked at me for a moment in an awed sort of way and said, “wow… You just are who you are…” as though to say, “you’re not fake.”

For some reason that stuck with me. Maybe we, as a society, teach ourselves to hide parts of ourselves too much. Maybe it’s wisdom to not be totally authentic in the face of everyone. But when he made that comment, I admit that it caught even myself off guard.

I’ve been living this themed life of, “fearfully transparent,” and not everyone agrees it’s wisdom… Especially not in the Christianity mindset. There’s this notion that if you showcase your flaws, imperfections, or struggles, you can’t possibly love God or lead others to Him. How can someone trust you when you say that God is in control if your reaction speaks as though you, yourself, don’t trust that He’s in control?

There are a couple of scriptures that come to mind when I’m thinking about this. One that came straight from Jesus’ mouth.

“Don’t let anyone call you ‘Rabbi,’ for you have only one teacher, and all of you are equal as brothers and sisters. And don’t address anyone here on earth as ‘Father,’ for only God in heaven is your Father. And don’t let anyone call you ‘Teacher,’ for you have only one teacher, the Messiah. The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. Matthew 23:8‭-‬12 NLT

When Jesus spoke these words, He was in the middle of calling out the Pharisees, Jewish religious leaders. Many of the religious leaders of His time had lost their heart for God, but to put it simply, they too were imperfect people. In a verse just before this, Jesus even said to listen to their teaching, but not to mimic their walk. I don’t read this to be judgemental over religious leaders who are self-serving or lacking humility. Instead, I read this realizing that I have a special honor; actually, we all do.

The entire purpose of Jesus and the cross was not solely for the sake of eternal salvation; though that in and of itself was more than enough. When Jesus resurrected, He offered something more valuable than anything we could ever ask for, making us more rich than money could buy. The beginning of Acts of the Apostles shows us that a gift was given, but could only be given by the grace and mercy of God through what Jesus had accomplished… Access to the Holy Spirit.

Times are very different today than they once were. Like most knowledge, the Bible is literally accessible in many languages and translations in the palm of our hands, our phones. Not only can we, ourselves, study and read the Bible, but when the Holy Spirit is in you, there’s a retention and and understanding that goes unmatched.

I find myself terrible at remembering names or other details. My memory sort of sucks. But in life, when circumstances arise that feel tough, scary, or hard to handle, a small, still voice whispers things like, “be still… let me fight this battle,” (Exodus 14:14) or, “I’ll never give you more than you can handle, stand firm, persevere, and have hope…” (1 Corinthians 10:13, 15:58, 16:13, & James 1:2-4).

I hate to admit this sometimes, however, but hearing these whispers doesn’t always mean I listen. Knowing how faithful He has been doesn’t mean I don’t struggle or throw tantrums when something goes awry. In fact, I’m still a mess and am still just as human as the next. People can talk as though they’re always “walking in the spirit,” or maintain an image of righteousness… But our righteousness is filthy rags in the sight of God for a reason. We simply cannot be perfect. We can only love Him enough to keep our eyes on Him so that we can keep growing, learning, and, as a good friend calls it, immerse ourselves in “progressive sanctification.” He is our teacher, and if we hang all of the responsibility on our religious leaders, we are only hurting them and setting ourselves up for failed expectations.

The second thing that comes to mind is the Apostle Paul. Some people believe he gets too much attention, especially in the Christian movement today. I’ve heard people discuss Paul as though his teachings have been so glorified it has caused Christian’s to be content in their sin. Perhaps there is some truth to this, however, I believe the same can be said for many — because humans putting all their faith in humans is a dangerous path to take.

I love Paul, however, because he had all the reason to boast about status and skill, but he was so humbled by the truth of Jesus that he showcased his own vulnerability. He calls himself a, “wretched man,” and in Romans 7, admits his own imperfections. What he is doing is saying, “you can think highly of me, but know that I am flawed too and I need the grace and mercy of Jesus too.” Why do we do the things we know we shouldn’t do? Why don’t we do the things we know we should do? If someone told me they never once felt this themselves, I’d not be able to believe them.

In continuing to read Romans, you come to see his great excitement for the gift of grace and the love of our Father. It’s not because of anything we can do, it’s because a gift is a gift. You work for your paycheck, but when someone just gives you a gift for no reason, there is a different feeling of value in it. God loves and His only condition is that you love Him back… But here is where we tend to fall short the most.

Religious rules were not meant to cause you guilt, shame, or condemnation. They were built for wisdoms sake, guidelines to a healthier life with Him. “Sin,” in the secular world has this connotation that includes judgement, but it truly just defines itself as, “missing the mark.” We do this no matter how perfectly we attempt to follow Jewish laws, or any rules for that matter. Human beings, in all our imperfection, miss the mark.

All of this to say… At one point, I adapted to become whoever was appeasing to whatever audience. I wanted to avoid conflict and I definitely wanted to avoid letting people see my flaws. But it seemed no matter how strategic I got or how well I attempted to hide, I still missed the mark. So, the me today is just who I am. I am simply who I am, to everyone, on any platform. My desire is to eliminate any need for secrets or hidden versions of myself altogether, because I truly just want to be me to all. I still struggle, still find myself in tears over things I know God is going to handle… But the difference is, I will never stop running to Him.