Sometimes… I overreact. I jump to conclusions. I make up these imaginary worst case scenarios… and I’m ready to flee-jump-escape… before anything bad even happens.

I still have crazy bouts of anxiety. I cry over things that haven’t happened yet… I doubt my own value, mind, actions. I live in this constant state of fear. Even while I spend my days facing these fears… I’m almost never not afraid. I cling to these fears like there’s no doubt in my mind they’ll eventually become real.

These ugly feelings of never being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or even purely that I’m too crazy to handle. I dream of the day I meet someone like Jesus… a man who can see all the dark corners of my history, the complexity of my mind, my flawed perspective of my self, or this anxiety that haunts me… but still He loves me.

No one will really understand why I turned to Jesus after years of being disgusted by anyone who picked up the Bible… not unless they understand love the way I do. This self-sacrificial, I understand why you’re hurting and making the wrong choices, kind of love. Those enlightened few who have seen humanity at it’s worst, and yet still love humanity as if it’s best truly shines brighter than the rest. This love for someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it, but you know that something made them this way, that they’ve been hurt-betrayed-broken. The kind of love no one understands, and yet everyone longs for.

When I read the Bible, I like to place myself in each character’s shoes. Maybe I’m wrong, but I like to think that everyone has good intentions… even when they make the worst mistakes.
Take King David for example… he was told as a young boy that he was nothing but a shepherd boy. He had so much faith that he selflessly, and sacrificially, took on a giant. He then gets a gig for the King and becomes like family to this royalty. But it doesn’t last long once his courageous, sacrificial tendencies become heroistic – and the people of the kingdom start to praise him more than their own king.
This makes the King jealous – because it’s this crazy cultural phenomenon that the strongest and fittest is the best leader – so he disowned the boy he took under his wing and spent years hunting him down. All the while, David loved him and honored him as king, and even when he could have killed him, he didn’t. Once the King dies and David becomes king… he murders his right hand man to get love from a woman he finds so beautiful that he can’t help but do something so terrible. And this leads to such dire consequences.

People could ask questions like… how is he considered so highly to God? How could he be the celebrated “man after God’s own heart” king of the old testament? How can God let such a man be king? How is what he did okay? Why do we still love King David?

But my question is… how can we expect someone so devoid of true love, so betrayed and hurt… to be so perfect? Not many have gone through what he’d gone through, and then had such power placed in their hands that when they are finally in a position to have what they want – but the method to get it isn’t okay – perhaps they think to themselves, “for once… I deserve this, no matter the cost…”

I’m not justifying his sin… I’m saying I understand it. I’m saying that is far more realistic than making him a perfect king. Unfortunately, we do stupid things. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need Jesus in the first place.

I guess in a lot of ways, I used to be the victim so often that I couldn’t let anyone else in because the pain was so great I was too afraid it would happen again. I became the little girl who burnt her hand on the stove so many times, she threw away the stove. I gave so many people chances I let their brokenness shatter me. When I take just a moment to review every time someone has hurt me, it’s no wonder I live in fear.

Then I read His story for the first time in my life placing myself in His shoes. I saw love in a way I’d never thought existed. He saw these people at their worst, and yet He treated them as if their best truly did shine brighter … even while no one else could see it.

This self-sacrificial walk became all I could think about. Why would He die for such terrible people? He was the only one of His time who really had hope for the worst of the worst… even those who hurt Him, betrayed Him, killed Him.

And no one really understood why He so willingly suffered and died… that is until His ressurection. Then perhaps we can say, “Well, if He knew He’d come back to life then perhaps it was an easy decision to make?”

So, I like to go even a step further. I imagine myself as this creator… this all powerful being. Every creature he created was born to love, worship, and trust Him. And just like anyone who is maybe rich, powerful, or famous… He just wants to be loved by pure choice. So, He creates man and He gives man freewill which leads to destruction after destruction because we can’t wrap our heads around His existence. And even though we, as imperfect broken beings, constantly lack trust, belief, and love for their creator… He, like a Father, loved His children so much He gave up His omnicient, all powerful, existence to walk amongst such ridiculous people… just to suffer and understand our pains and then die to save us… even though we still, since the beginning all the way to present day, deny Him, betray Him, and refuse to love Him.

How can I not love Him? He is crazy and suicidal and yet He also isn’t. He is just a genius who wants to be loved in the most honest and pure way.