I’ve got these thoughts rolling around in my mind. I’ve been watching this show that showcases a manipulative culture where men have dominated over women assuming that they would naturally, courageously fight back against their sexual motives claiming sex was consensual because they never spoke up. I’m not going to suggest to play a part in the “me too” movement, but honestly, I’ve been there.

I have been weakened by a life filled with traumas and lies; a life that told me I didn’t have a voice that mattered. I have on numerous occasions stepped into absolutely ridiculous situations fully naive, hoping that this time things would be different. I’ve accepted the identity that made me freeze in the concept of, “fight, flight, or freeze.” For years, a voice only I could hear in the depths of my mind over countless situations has SCREAMED, “no… don’t do this… just leave… say something… fight back…” All the while, that voice was never heard and most times in my weakest moments a man didn’t look at my, ”body language,” to notice that I was uncomfortable, unhappy, afraid, and frozen.

I say this because I’m watching this fictional drama, made to psychologically get me thinking. Yet, even though it was written to get me to watch it and keep watching it, it has solidified that I’m not the only one who has found herself in these situations.

However, I’m not suggesting to be angry with men or destroy them as a counter attack on what they have done. Actually, it’s really irritating to me to be surrounded by constant offense and a culture that cancels as a means to teach or discipline. Most of the time, I can’t bring myself to believe any human being is inherently evil. I can see people in a state of denial. I can see people with large egos and a belief that they’ll never be caught or harmed for their misdeeds. But I wholeheartedly, not just by opinion but by experience, know that anyone from any state of mind or place can be transformed into a completely different human being. I know that people can heal from traumas and lies that are the roots of many issues. I know that people can fall on their face and be totally humbled and change. I know it. I’ve lived it. I’ve watched it.

I’ve grown. I’ve healed. I’ve changed. I’ve gone from voiceless to oversharing. I’ve gone from hidden to the spotlight in leadership. I’ve gone from masking to transparency. So, yes, what was done to me and what has happened to me in my life has been terrible and contributed more to the work of a seemingly invisible enemy who’s goal has been to kill and destroy me. But I know a God who has taken every ugly part of me and my life and made it purposeful and beautiful only because He loves and not because I was so deserving and innocent myself.

I have come to a place in my walk through this earthly life that says I’m tired of simply looking at the surface of my choices. I don’t like wearing makeup. It’s uncomfortable and a waste of my time. I don’t even enjoy compliments on days I am wearing it even though it isn’t their fault for complimenting. If I wear it, it comes from a place of insecurity that screams, “I don’t believe I’m naturally beautiful and often don’t enjoy pictures of myself without it.” I don’t like wearing fake nails or eyelashes. They’re uncomfortable. I hate what happens to my natural nails when they’re obliterated by acrylic and they make doing things I love more difficult. When I’ve gotten them done it’s because I’ve been conditioned to believe I’m not beautiful without them. Who wants to look at my stubby short nails? I wear clothes that are comfortable and sometimes they’re dressy and sometimes their PJs, but they’re always comfortable. I no longer prefer to live by the standard and belief that, “it hurts to be beautiful…”

Honestly, I’m tired of the assumption that if someone doesn’t wear make up or spend hours getting ready doesn’t even love herself. I’ve even felt people wonder if me not getting dressed up constantly was a sign of depression 🤦🏽‍♀️

And to obliterate the lie that no one could ever love me without all these superficial parts of the world… the best part is I’m married to a man who calls me gorgeous and beautiful more times a day than I can handle no matter what I’m wearing. I’m married to a man who ensures I am always comfortable and never frozen in fear or codependency. He loves me in the most beautiful ways and I find myself blessed beyond measure. He listens to me and makes changes to his habits or has conversations with me to help me grow through my own change — but loves me even if I never change.

I’m not here to point fingers. I’m not here to say any woman should or should not feel the way I feel. I say it nearly every week that it’s our job, as individuals, to stop playing the blame game and start fixing ourselves. Speak up and share when someone hurts you, but they may not always hear you. It’s natural to have anxiety and face multiple mental health issues, and I’ve lived those for most of my life. We can choose to accept it as a part of who we are and say, “I have anxiety/depression/panic-attacks,” but we can also choose to add, “but I don’t want to continue living with it. I want to heal.”

I have forgiven people who have hurt me, perhaps utterly traumatized me, but I forgive them so that I can let them go and sincerely hope they find their own change. Holding on to my, “victim status,” and hating them never helped me. Telling the world it’s everyone else’s fault that I am who I am only lasted so long. Today, I get to choose who I want to be and I love the woman I am becoming.

None of us are required to conform to the standards of this world. Honestly, my biggest suggestion in this life is to stop playing everyday on the surface of who we are and start looking deeper. Start being brutally honest with ourselves and ask the really hard questions.

It’s a lie that it’s easier to live in this box. It’s a lie that we won’t be loved or cherished in our own individuality. It’s a lie that God’s not going to love us in our own individuality. The issue isn’t about our freedom to be unique, it’s that we’re worried about what someone else thinks about our uniqueness more than we love our uniqueness. God created you to be you and only you. It’s a miracle you, alone, are the only you that ever exists. So, we owe it to ourselves and our creator to love ourselves the way we deserve.

Becoming a holy temple for the Lord requires grace—completely unmerited favor—that not one of us could attain by our own strength and quantity or quality of good deeds. It’s only grace and grace alone. And if you desire to stop feeling alone, outcasted, or misunderstood… God is the only one who can love you through every detail without error. I can love you with my whole heart, but even I’m not perfect. But… That’s the God I have come to know and love with my whole heart.

❤️🙏🏽